“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” Angel demanded as soon as the door swung shut.

His outburst didn’t come as a surprise to Willow, nor did the looks on her friends faces. Their expressions weren’t simple displays of shock and disbelief. No, along with that they had the same looks of distrust and disapproval she had come to associate with anything to do with the military. Willow had seen those expressions so many times that she was able to recognize it even when her friends tried to hide it.

Normally, seeing it on ALL of their faces would have put her on the defensive. This time, however, it only made her feel exhausted.

“Well?” Cordy prompted when Willow remained silent. “Are you going to explain what happened in there? If you don’t want to explain that, then maybe you could tell us why the hell you didn’t tell us there were supernatural beings in your command?”

God, she was so tired of this.

She understood their anger, their hurt. For seven years she had avoided them, pushed them out of her life, all because of the supernatural world. Now, as far as they could discern, she had been working with supernatural beings all this time. Going on the evidence they had before them, she could hardly blame them for jumping to that conclusion. Still, a part of her kind of wished…

Willow wished they would – could – trust her.

That was what this was about. It wasn’t about Kawalsky taking command of the situation. It was about trust and loyalty. HER trust. HER loyalty. It was about secrets she was unwilling to share. It was about her willing to risk her life because Kawalsky was ordering her to, about her abandoning a plan that could very well win them this war.

“Personally, I want to know if Red was serious about her rescue plan.”

“I’m doing what has to be done,” she said, finally, answering Angel’s question first. Why couldn’t things just go smoothly for once? Why did things always have to become so screwed up? “An Air Force Colonel has been kidnapped.”

“An Air Force Colonel who pretended to be your boyfriend’s friend to get information about you,” Faith reminded her.

“Hayes wasn’t lying before, they are friends with Daniel.”

Cordy snorted. “I’m sure it was their friendship with Daniel that motivated them to be there.”

Actually, for Colonel Carter and Teal’c, Willow believed it was.

“Willow…” Giles said her name in a gentle tone, reminding her of the relationship they had back in Sunnydale. “I’m sure you understand our concern. What Major Kawalsky is proposing not only risks our one and only chance to defeat the Demon Cult, but it puts you at great risk as well. While I understand your need to get your colleagues back safely, I don’t think it’s –”

“Kawalsky’s plan isn’t as fallible as you think it is,” she interrupted. “In fact, it’s probably safer than the one Tara and I proposed.”

She was met by four incredulous stares.

“If Carter and Teal’c are indeed the demons sacrifices, then by removing them it will slow the demons down.”

“Yeah, until they find another two people to sacrifice.”

Okay, there was that logic but… “It does matter. We’re going to rescue Colonel Carter and Teal’c. I may have been able to convince the Major not to call the base for reinforcements, but I won’t be able to convince him to call off the rescue. I’m not sure I want to…” Not now that the shock had worn off and she had had a few minutes to think.

In fact, now that she was thinking clearly she actually agreed with the Kawalsky. An immediate rescue was really the only course of action.

“Why not?”

The genuine curiosity in Giles’ question caught her off guard. There wasn’t any anger in his voice, just a need to understand. It was because of that Willow found herself replying truthfully. “Because the demons made a mistake.”

Angel blinked, confused. “The demons made a mistake?”

She nodded. “Colonel Carter and Teal’c… They’re not the supernatural beings the demons think they are.” What her friends thought they were.

It was Giles’ turn to be confused. “They’re not supernatural beings?” He didn’t believe her and, for once, it made her grateful that Angel was her own little lie detector. She couldn’t lie to Angel. Her heart-rate accelerated, she began to sweat… both telltale signs the vampire usually picked up on.

Signs she was not currently exhibiting. “No.” Her eyes went to Angel who was watching her with a frown. “And when the demons realize their mistake, they may not be too happy.” There was a hope, a small one, that the demons wouldn’t give a damn about what separated Carter and Teal’c from everyone else and just disregard them as insignificant. It was a small hope she was reluctant to give up.

“Willow, as I said to Major Kawalsky, the demons are only interested in being with supernatural power. They wouldn’t have taken Colonel Carter and Teal’c if they hadn’t sensed something.”

Oh, they sensed something all right. “They made a mistake.”

Giles let out a frustrated sigh. “They could not have possibly made a mistake.”

“She’s not lying.”

Angel’s announcement caused the watcher’s head to whip around in surprise. “She’s telling the truth?”

The vampire nodded, slowly. “Or what she thinks is the truth.”

She inwardly groaned. “It IS the truth Angel.”

“Is it?” he challenged. “You work for a classified program, so you keep reminding us, anyway. Isn’t it possible that they are supernatural beings and you were never told.”

“No.”

“No?” Giles repeated. “You seem certain. Willow, surely you don’t think that you’re being told everything. I know you care about the Air Force very strongly, but I can’t believe you would be naïve enough to trust what you’re told so blindly.”

Willow sighed. Would her friends ever stop thinking of the military as the enemy? No, not the military. It was the Air Force they all hated passionately. Maybe not hate, but something near it. They blamed the Air Force for her leaving. They blamed the Air Force for seducing her, for changing her. They blamed and hated it because it was so much easier than blaming and hating her.

“Maybe the two of them are like you,” Faith suggested. “Witches in hiding.”

“They are not witches and I’m NOT going off blind trust.” As soon as she said the words, she wanted to kick herself. She had just left herself wide open, and she seriously doubted any of her friends were going to miss it.

“You’re not going off blind trust?”

Especially Angel. “No, I’m not.”

“The demons wouldn’t have taken them unless there was something different about Colonel Carter or Teal’c. They would be with us right now if the demons didn’t sense something.”

She knew exactly where he was going with this.

“You know why the demons took them.”

Had she said how tired of this she was?

“Oh God!” Sam groaned in pain as she tried to move. It felt like someone had run her over with a truck… several times.

“Colonel Carter?”

Slowly – and reluctantly – she opened her eyes. The first thing she looked for signs of any serious injury on Teal’c. He was kneeling in front of her, his face bruised and swollen. His left hand, which was resting on her knee, was caked with dried blood. The second thing she looked for was any indication of their whereabouts.

Why wasn’t she surprised to find them in a cell?

“Teal’c, where are we?”

Her head was pounding furiously, indicating she had hit it during whatever battle that they had been in. It was taking her memory a moment to catch up to the rest of her. She hoped, for their sakes, it would hurry up.

“I am unsure.”

She nodded then winced. “Okay, that was a bad idea.”

“Are you badly injured, Colonel Carter?”

This time, her response would not involve moving her head in anyway. “I’m a little bruised, but I’ve had worse. I think I might have a concussion.” In fact, she was almost certain of it. “You?”

“My injuries are not severe.”

Well, that was something at least. “What happened?” She started to look around again, hoping to jog her memory.

“We were attacked outside Angel Investigations.” As soon as the words left Teal’c’s mouth, Sam froze.

Now, she remembered.

“Is that right, Willow?” Giles asked.

She could either lie or tell the truth, both of which would lead to the same answer. So, reluctantly, she nodded. “I can tell you with absolute certainty they’re not the beings the demons are hoping for.”

“So they’re not witches or anything similar?”

“No.”

“Well that begs the question, what are they?”

The problem with some questions was that regardless of how you answered them sometimes you say more than you really wanted.

This was one of those questions.

No matter how she answered it, she was telling her friends far more than she wanted them to know. They were all smart. While she didn’t think they would connect the dots - going from supernatural beings to aliens was quite a leap – she didn’t want to risk the remote chance that they would.

“Let’s just say the demons made a mistake and leave it at that.” Was she naïve in believing maybe, just maybe, her friends would actually do what she asked?

“How about we don’t?”

Yes. Yes, she was. “Cordy…”

“Don’t ‘Cordy’ me,” the former cheerleader said. “You can’t say something like that and expect us to not ask question.”

“Especially in this situation,” Giles agreed.

“Oh, I expect you to ask questions,” Willow admitted. “But I also expect you to know I can’t answer them.”

Why? Why did she think talking to her friends privately was a good thing? Yes, she needed to convince her friends to work with them – they were dead if they didn’t – but she had known it would end up at this point.

There was no way in hell they were going to let it go now. Not what she did, nor what made the demons take Colonel Carter and Teal’c.

“You’re kidding me, right?” the Slayer stared at her in shock. “Those demons have Daniel’s friends…”

“We’re more than aware of that fact, Faith, believe me. That’s why the plan has changed. We need to get them back.”

“Why?” Angel asked. “Why not wait until the final ritual to rescue them?”

“For one thing, we don’t know when the demons intend to make the sacrifices. Secondly, we can’t risk the demons realizing their mistake.” Willow asked. “We have no idea what the demons will do with them when they do.”

“That’s exactly right,” Giles surprised her by agreeing. “We have no idea what the demons will do to them. Nor do we know if what made them different in the first place will make our situation better or worse.”

She froze. “What?”

“Whatever motivated the demons to take Colonel Carter and Teal’c, regardless of whether the demons were erroneous or not, must have been strong enough – or powerful enough – for them to believe that your colleagues would suit their purpose. It may not have been preternatural power, but it WAS something. What we need to determine now is if that puts us in more danger than before.”

Holy shit. She… She hadn’t thought of that.

“We need to know what that is.”

This changed things.

“So what is it, Willow? Is the Air Force doing experiments on their own people or something?” Angel’s eyes widened with horror as he finished the question. “The military aren’t doing experiments on their own people, are they?”

Willow rolled her eyes. “Do you really think I’d be still in the military if they were?” Her response was meant to illustrate how stupid Angel’s question had been, but the way Angel hesitated changed that.

In fact, they were ALL hesitating.

“Guys, you don’t seriously think I’d still be in the Air Force if they were doing unsanctioned experiments on us, do you?”

Silence.

“Oh God, you do!”

“No… No, Willow, we don’t.”

As much as Willow wanted to believe Giles’ reply, she couldn’t. It came to late. “You think I would let the military do experiments on me.”

“It’s not that we think you would let the military do tests on you…” Angel said.

“Then what is it?” Willow wanted to know. On second thought, maybe she didn’t want to know.

“Oh please, as if you don’t know!” Cordelia exclaimed. “You love the Air Force. It keeps you safe, away from this.”

Oh, well that made her feel SO much better. “So you think I would allow the Air Force do whatever the hell they wanted to me just so I would be safe?”

“Not ANYTHING,” Cordy conceded. “Come on, Willow. You seriously can’t be surprised we think this! Have you HEARD the way you go on and on and on about the Air Force? God! It’s Major Kawalsky this, Major Kawalsky that. Yes, sir. No, sir…Blah! Blah! Blah! What the hell are we supposed to think?”

“You’re supposed to think that I wouldn’t do anything that would compromise my integrity.” She looked at all of her friends faces.

Faith sighed. “Red, what we mean is that we know how badly you want to stay with the Air Force and that you’d be willing to do anything…” The Slayer shook her head. “Damn, this isn’t coming out right.”

No shit, Sherlock.

“What we mean is that we’re worried about you,” Giles said. “We’ve known for quite some time that what you were doing in Colorado had nothing to do with Deep Space Telemetry and the fact that you refused to share it with any of us…”

“You know why I couldn’t tell you.”

The pained look Giles gave her was enough to cause her breath to catch in her throat. In his eyes, Willow could see the pain her silence had caused. “Willow, there is no reason you can’t tell us anything.”

“Giles is right, Red. Just think about who we are. Do you think we’re going to tell anyone what you’re doing with the Air Force?” Faith asked.

She had heard this argument before. Recently, in fact.

“We’ve sat quietly for more than a year while you walk into the hotel looking worse than some corpses I’ve seen,” Angel said. “While you screamed out for help in your sleep.”

“And now you know something that could affect this apocalypse,” Giles said. “Yet you still refuse to tell us. Why? You know how deeply we all care for you. Why don’t you trust us?”

“It’s not that I don’t trust you.” She was trying to keep them safe… They couldn’t know…

“Oh?” Cordelia raised a skeptic eyebrow. “Then what is it? Are you scared that someone will find out and you’ll get booted from the Air Force?”

“Or are you scared that we won’t let you go back?” Angel asked.

There was a theme in what they were saying that Willow was beginning to not like.

“Willow, we don’t mean to upset you, but you have to see things from our perspective,” Giles said. “We know how frightened you are of the supernatural world and…”

“And you think that because I’m so scared of being sent back out into it that I would do anything the Air Force told me to do?”

There were five, maybe ten, seconds of silence before Giles replied. “No.”

She held her hand up. “Don’t bullshit me. I want the truth. I mean, that’s the theme of today isn’t it? Do you think that I’m so scared of coming back here that I would follow the Air Force blindly?”

Their silence said it all.

She knew she shouldn’t be at all surprised, or hurt, but her heart didn’t seem to want to agree with her head. She understood where they were coming from. God, it wasn’t even the first time she had heard them say it. She just… She just never really thought they believed it so… deeply.

“You really think that?”

“What else are we supposed to think?” Angel asked gently. “You don’t tell us anything. You lie to us… You’re withholding information that impacts this apocalypse.”

“I’ve been with the Air Force for seven years and assigned to the Mountain for fifteen months. Don’t you think if fear was the only thing that kept me there that I would have left by now?”

“To be honest, no,” Angel replied. “We all saw how you reacted to the demon cult, how badly you took Giles’ injuries. Willow, I know how scared you are. I smell it every time you come here. You can’t honestly expect me to believe that you aren’t staying with the Air Force because it’s safe.”

She… She couldn’t believe she was hearing this. No, that was a lie. She could believe she was hearing this. Hell, she had said as much to Daniel when she first arrived here, but that didn’t seem to stop the pain growing in her chest. “Yes, Angel, I’m scared of the supernatural world and yes, the thought of living here in LA with you is enough to give me nightmares, but that doesn’t mean I’m willing to turn into a military puppet in order to avoid it.” Her voice was soft, almost defeated.

Almost? That was exactly how she felt. God, she was so tired of fighting them. She was so tired of having secrets from all of them. It was her fault they thought this. Though, there was a large part of her that couldn’t believe they thought she would be so… so… cowardly.

“You’re wrong. In theory, it sounds good but there’s one thing you forgot to consider. While I’m still under contract with the Air Force, I’m not under contract to stay with any particular outfit,” she told them. “I can leave the mountain any time I want.”

“Can you?” Giles asked. “Do you think the Air Force would allow you to walk away from the program after you’ve been exposed to classified secrets?”

She closed her eyes and sighed. “It’s not like that.” Not that they were going to believe her. “I’m not being kept there against my will. I WANT to work for the SGC.”

Oh. Shit.

She was so incredibly stupid.

Dead and stupid.

“SGC?”

She couldn’t stop her heart from pounding. “You didn’t hear me say that.”

“Is that what your program is called, the SGC?”

“Angel…” God, why did he have to press all the damn time? “The name of the program isn’t important. Guys, I… I can’t tell you what you want to know.” She let out a self-depreciating laugh. “You wouldn’t believe me even if I did.”

It stunned her to discover that she actually wanted to tell them. The temptation to open her mouth and confess all was overwhelming. She wanted them to trust her. She NEEDED them to trust her. None of what they planned was going to work if they didn’t trust her or her team and the only thing Willow knew would satisfy them was the truth. Anything short would only convince them that she either didn’t know the truth or was too scared to tell them.

Giles moved so that he was standing right in front of her. With a tenderness she yearned for, he put his hands on her shoulders. “Think of how this looks from our perspective. We’re frightened for you, Willow. The amount of interest your superiors have taken in your private life alone is enough to cause great concern. It proves how closely they are watching you.”

“It’s not what it looks like.” She sighed. “I already told Angel that General O’Neill was aware that I survived the Sunnydale Massacre. He was frightened that I would use my training to hunt down and kill those responsible.”

Giles laughed at the notion. “You don’t seriously expect me to believe that, do you?”

As Willow studied the disbelief on his face, an idea came to her. An idea as to how she could convince her friends that she wasn’t just a military puppet. That her fear wasn’t forcing her to do things against her will.

It involved a truth Willow had never – EVER – wanted to confess to her friends.

Something that would change everything between them.

It was the only way. Telling them half truths or dodging questions was not going to do anything but confirm their worst fears. If she didn’t do something, then they would spend the next twenty-four hours going around in circles. Telling them the true nature of her project was impossible. This was the only other thing she could think of.

“So you think I’m there against my will somehow? Either because I’m too scared to leave or because I know too much?”

Giles nodded. “I’m afraid so.”

“So you think that I would allow myself to be put in a position where I had to take lives – human lives – because I didn’t want to return to LA? You think I would rather kill someone than face my fears.”

It took a few seconds for what she said to sink in. If talking about this wasn’t ripping her heart out, she was sure the various looks of disbelieve and confusion would have amused her.

IF this wasn’t ripping her heart out.

Cordy blinked a few times and shook her head. “What?”

“You heard me, Cordy.”

“I heard you, but I didn’t understand you. Are you saying that you…” The fact that Cordy wouldn’t – couldn’t – finish the sentence made her feel sick to her stomach.

“Am I saying that I’ve killed people while working for the Air Force?”

Cordy nodded.

For a second nothing came out, not a single sound. It didn’t take a genius to determine what her inability to speak meant. However, it was too late for her to go back. The looks of dawning horror on Giles’ and Angel’s face confirmed that.

In retrospect, Willow wondered if this was really the key to making her friends understand.

“Yes, Cordy, that’s exactly what I’m saying.”

Faith shook her head, her face pale. “Nah, I don’t believe it. You’re bullshitting us. You wouldn’t kill anyone. You’d rather die first.”

If anyone understood the enormity of killing someone, soul and all, it was Faith. She had one human kill to her name, the accidental death of Allan Finch. The one act that had almost sent Faith over to the dark-side… If it hadn’t been for Angel.

She knew the kind of pain and guilt that went hand and hand with killing someone. Angel did too but, because of Angelus, it wasn’t exactly the same.

“I believed that too, you know,” Willow said quietly, talking only to Faith. “Right up until the first time I did it, I didn’t really… I didn’t really think I would be able to do it – could do it. I thought that I’d choke and let the enemy kill me. My mind never even imagined doing anything like that at all through training.”

For once, Willow was grateful for the silence it gave her a moment to pull her thoughts together… to push past the agonizing pain building in her chest.

“You guys know me, at least I’d like to think you know me. Do you really think I would rather kill a human being than live in a world full of demons and vampires? Do you think I would let ANYONE force me to kill another man, either in self defense or for any other reason? Do you think I am so scared of being kicked out of the military that I’d be willing to live with what killing a person does to you?”

“No.”

This time, there was no hesitation in any of their replies and she knew they were convinced.

What she didn’t know was whether it was worth the price she would have to pay?

“Do you think we should send in a search party?” Grogan asked, nodding towards the door Rosenberg had disappeared through more than twenty minutes ago.

While Kawalsky didn’t find the idea unappealing, he shook his head. He seriously doubted the Lieutenant would appreciate them bursting in while she was trying to convince her friends to work with them. He was pretty sure her friends wouldn’t appreciate it either.

Still, he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t growing more uneasy as each second passed.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Rosenberg not to reveal any classified information, he just… Hell, if that were his friends in there he knew he would be having a hard time not telling them the truth. Especially when said friends disliked the military as much as Rosenberg’s did.

Once again, Kawalsky silently cursed his best friend. “The Lieutenant’s got it covered. She’ll be out here as soon as she can.” He fixed his attention on Grogan. “How did you and Gunn go organizing the delivery of weapons?”

“Gunn’s supplier was more than willing to use the bike as collateral. We should have the weapons here inside of two hours.”

Two hours? “That’s fast.”

“All it took to fast track the delivery was saying the word apocalypse.”

That was slightly disturbing, but good to know. “So now all we have to do is wait for the Crystal to arrive.”

“Last I heard Tara said the coven were going to teleport it here sometime tonight.”

Good. Things were going to scheduled. Well, as well as they could. They needed everything to go right if they were going to pull this off. While Rosenberg was confident they were going to pull the rescue off as easily as the others, Kawalsky wasn’t as convinced.

He’d heard Daniel’s accounts of what happened at the hospital, how powerful the demons had been. In fact, he had heard several different account of confrontations with the demons and he was beginning to wonder if they weren’t in over their heads.

All it would take was one confrontation with a couple of demons and they were screwed.

“You know, I’m beginning to wonder if things wouldn’t be easier if we didn’t call Thor and get him to get Carter and Teal’c out of there.” It would be a hell of a lot easier if they would.

Grogan nodded. “Either that or we get the coven of witches to strip the demons powers.”

Kawalsky stared at his Lieutenant. “What?”

“Hayes filled me in on what the original plan was and I got thinking about ways to the kill the demons.” He shrugged. “Since the witches stripped Rosenberg of her powers, why couldn’t they do the same thing to the demons?”

“Maybe the demons are too powerful?” he suggested. He didn’t really know that. Kawalsky was more interested in hearing Grogan out.

“Yeah, but they were more powerful than Rosenberg too. Couldn’t Tara use the power in the crystal to link to the demons like Rosenberg did. Then, she could drain the power from them and put them in a crystal like Rosenberg’s?”

“Tara would have access to Rosenberg’s AND the demon’s power,” Kawalsky said, thinking back to the discussion he and Rosenberg had back at Joyce Summers’ house. She said she had felt powerful enough to take on the world.

What if she hadn’t been exaggerating? What if Tara could use all that power and strip it from the demons? If they timed it with the rescue…

“Grogan, I can’t believe I’m saying this but…” Kawalsky slapped him on the back. “You’re a genius.”

“How many?”

“How many what?” Willow knew exactly what Angel was asking. It really didn’t take a genius to work it out, but she couldn’t help but try to delay the inevitable.

She’d opened Pandora’s Box and now she had to deal with it.

“How many people have you killed?”

She wanted to say to him that the number wasn’t important, but it was. Willow hadn’t reached the point, like other members of the SGC, where she had lost count. Every confirmed kill still cut her to the core. Still, this wasn’t a question you asked a soldier – any soldier.

Living with it in silence was enough. Talking about it was intolerable. Well, it was intolerable to everyone but a certain archaeologist. Though, if Willow was having this conversation with Daniel, he would back off.

“Willow?” Angel, however, would not.

She cleared her throat and fought against the urge to cross her arms over her chest. “I’m not sure.”

“You’re not sure?” Faith repeated. “Damn, Red, how many people have you killed?”

There was almost panic in Faith’s voice as she spoke and Willow felt her heart fall. What the hell had she been thinking? Yeah, her confession did its job and convinced her friend she wasn’t some mindless zombie but it had done something much worse.

Life was sacred to all of them. Buffy, Xander, and Oz had all sacrificed themselves to save the lives of others. Faith, Angel, Cordy and Giles were sacrificing their chance of a normal life to protect the world.

While she was taking lives for a purpose she could never explain.

In retrospect, this was a bad, bad idea.

“I don’t know how many I killed because it’s hard to tell whose bullet killed who,” she told them. “At least ten.”

“Ten?” Faith whispered the number. “Red, why?”

Why what? Why did she kill? Why did she stay? “Self defense, mostly. It was either kill or be killed. One time it was to save my team.”

The Slayer shook her head. “No, I mean why didn’t you leave? I get that you think what you’re doing is important but…Red, I know what it’s like, how I felt when I… NOTHING is THAT important.”

And just like that Willow knew she had made a fundamentally huge mistake.

Despite what her friends thought about her reasons she stayed with the Air Force. They KNEW her. They knew she wouldn’t do something as serious as killing another person unless it was something big.

“This is.”

Faith stared at her. “No, Red, it’s not. Taking a life, Red… How… How can you do it?”

“I do it because it’s my job.”

“You’re job?” the brunette repeated, horrified. “Red, what the hell kind of project are you working for?”

They were back to that. “I’m sorry, Faith, it’s…”

“Classified.” The look Faith was giving her wasn’t one Willow had ever seen before. “Black Ops, is that what you do? What they call it? You sneak into places like Iraq, take out the enemy and rescue missing soldiers or something? That’s what you’re doing.”

“Something like that, yes.”

“Something like that or exactly like that?” she demanded.

Giles took a step towards the Slayer. “Faith…”

She put her hand out, stopping Giles mid-step. “Don’t Giles, I want to hear this.” Faith turned back to her. “Well?”

“Iraq is wrong, but everything else is right.”

“So the people you kill, they, what, kidnapped the missing teams?”

It was making Willow more than a little uneasy that Faith was so freaked. Angel, Cordelia, and Giles looked upset as well, but she wasn’t sure if it was because of Faith’s reaction or because of what she had confessed. “Most of the time, yes.”

“Most of the time?” It was Angel who spoke this time. “What about the ‘rest’ of the time?”

“Sometimes, it’s people who are just out to kill us.” Her mind went back to her first mission and she shuddered. Although she had never killed anyone on that mission, it was a prime example of, as Grogan called it, ‘When Locals Attack!’ “Look, I don’t know why you’re so freaked about this, Faith. It’s not like you didn’t know this was a possibility. I’m in the Air Force, for crying out loud! What did you think I would be doing?”

“For real? I thought you would be flying a desk. I figured you’d be in some place like Area 51 studying aliens or some shit like that.”

Okay, that was a little too close for comfort.

“I didn’t think you’d be a soldier, a real one. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

Willow gaped at her. “I fought with Buffy for three years, how could you think that?”

“I didn’t mean that you couldn’t fight. I meant that I didn’t think you had it in you to kill.”

Oh yeah, this had been a bad idea. “Well, now you know differently.”

Faith shook her head. “Actually, Red, I don’t know shit. Why do you kill, Red? Why do you put yourself through it? You’re not… You’re not even killing them accidentally. You’re going out there and putting yourself into a spot where you might have to kill. Why do YOU do that? Why can’t you let someone else do it?”

Suddenly, Willow knew what kind of answer Faith was seeking. Actually, now she understood a great deal she had been blind to. “I can’t let someone else do it because I’m the best they have. I do it because the people are worth rescuing. I would die for each and every person at the SGC, from the combat teams, right down to the scientists. They are some of the most important, most heroic, most amazing people on this planet. I’d gladly give my life for them.”

“And kill for them.”

Willow made sure she held Faith’s gaze. “I’d kill for them.”

She jumped when Faith came barreling towards her. Stunned, she didn’t fight when she felt herself being pushed up against the wall behind her. The others were just as surprised. Faith had her pinned before any of them had time to react.

“Faith!”

“It’s okay!” Willow assured them. Faith wasn’t hurting her. She would never hurt her. “Just… give us some room.”

“What are you doing, Red?” Faith’s voice was so quiet Willow had to strain to hear. “No more bullshit. No more lie. I want the truth.”

No, Faith didn’t want the truth. She wanted to understand. The pain in her eyes was overwhelming. It was a pain she knew too well, one she had seen in her eyes after she had her first kills. Only death could put it in there.

Faith had never gotten over killing Allan Finch.

Oh, she pretended she had. In all the time Willow had spent with Faith, his name had never come up. More than that, Faith had never spoken about the dark time right after she had made the kill. When she had tried to kill Xander…

Faith had her pinned against the wall because she was scared. Of what, Willow wasn’t entire sure, but she suspected…

“When B died, I promised her I would look out for you,” Faith told her. “This isn’t what she would want for you. None of them would want this for you.”

Willow’s eyes filled with tears. “No, Buffy would have wanted me to have a quiet life. She would’ve wanted me to have a nice house, a husband, a couple of kids, but I’m not going to have that. I wouldn’t have had that even if she had survived.”

“She wouldn’t want you to be a killer.”

To her surprise, she didn’t flinch at the words. Oh, they cut deep. Willow could feel the seeping wound inside her, but she didn’t flinch. God, she didn’t even bat an eye. “I do what needs to be done. I don’t like it, Faith. I’ll probably go to hell for some of it, but it needs to be done and, after we’ve won this apocalypse, I’ll go back and do it.”

“Wait!” Cordelia protested. “You’re going to go back to Search and Rescue? How can you? Your magic’s gone! Didn’t you use it to find people?”

“More than likely I’ll be transferred to a combat unit. Instead of rescuing, I’ll be on the front lines.”

“The front lines?” Giles repeated.

Faith tightened her hold on Willow’s shoulders. “I want to know about the project, now. You have to tell me.”

She shook her head, only slightly, but it was enough to illicit a growl of frustration as Faith let go of her. “God damn it, Red! Why the hell won’t you tell us?”

“Because you don’t need to know Faith,” she shouted, not bothering to hold back her frustration. “I shouldn’t have told you as much as I did. All I can, all I will EVER tell you, is that it’s important. I wouldn’t be doing this otherwise.”

The brunette shook her head. “It’s not enough, Red.”

“It has to be enough, Faith, because that’s all I can give you for a million reasons that go beyond it being classified. I’m sorry.”

“You’re killing people, Red.”

At her words, Willow felt something inside her explode. “Don’t you think I know that, Faith? God, I can’t sleep at night sometimes because of the things I’ve done. Yet, I keep going and do you know why? Because I believe in what I do. I think it’s worth it. Just like you think the sacrifices you’ve made are worth it.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

She threw her hands up in the air with frustration. They were never going to understand. Never. No matter what she said, this wasn’t going to work. Either she had to tell them the truth or… or… she had to give up.

“Okay, it’s not the same thing,” she said, her voice defeated. “None of this is ever going to get us anywhere. I can’t tell you what you want to know, so why don’t we just…” Just what? What was she suggesting here?

Willow didn’t know exactly what she was suggesting, but she knew what this felt like.

It felt like the end.

Already, she could feel the distance between her and her friends, both metaphorically and literally. Over in one corner of the room, Angel, Giles, and Cordy stood around Faith, touching her, trying to calm her down.

In the other, she was standing alone. Dying.

She knew all it would take was the truth. That’s all. Then, it would all be fixed. The distance between them would disappear. There would be scolding, but they wouldn’t be looking at her like some stranger.

She had the power to fix this. All she had to do was choose her friends over her command. Yet, if she did, she could be risking more than her friendship with Faith, with all of them. Did she have the right to risk the demon world find out about aliens just so her friends wouldn’t look at her as though she was some kind of monster?

“All you need to know is that I’m Willow. Yes, I’m trained in combat and an Air Force Officer. Yes, the General was afraid I would use that training for revenge. But, even if the situation allowed, I would never do that. Why? Because I’ve killed people, but I’m not a killer. There is more than one war going on and it’s time we stopped this one and rescued our people. Either you trust me or you don’t. Either way, can you help us get our missing people back or do we have to do this alone?”

“We’ll work with you.”

Funny, but their consent did little to make her feel better. If anything, it made her feel worse. She didn’t want things to be this way, but her hands were tied. Things were dire enough with Carter and Teal’c missing. If the demons hurt them, took their ‘power’, their…

“Oh God!”

Everything in the room seemed to slow down as a realization hit her. It was a realization that was so terrifying that, in those first initial seconds, she found it hard to breathe.

How… How could either she, Kawalsky, or Hayes fail to think of this?

“Willow?” Giles stepped towards her, his eyes full of concern. “What’s wrong?”

“We can’t wait twenty-four hours.”

“I’m sorry?”

She shook her head and waved away any questions they had. There was no time for questions. No time for anything. They had to move now. They couldn’t wait twenty-four hours to rescue Carter and Teal’c. They had to go now, as soon as they could.

Incredibly, or stupidly, she had forgotten to consider one thing about her missing colleagues, namely Teal’c.

He had a symbiote.

It was a immature symbiote, one they had found a few years ago when his other had matured, but it was old enough. Old enough to know to survive. Old enough to try to blend with any living creature nearby if the Jaffa was killed…

Even a demon.

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