"I’m sorry."
Daniel’s eyes closed of their own accord as Willow touched his aching cheek. The touch was feather light, so incredibly gentle. "It’s, um, all right, it doesn’t hurt."
"It’s going to bruise."
He couldn’t help but lean into her hand. The throb in his cheek eased slightly, or maybe he had forgotten about the pain having her touch him like this. He didn’t know how much longer this would last, when Willow would pull away from him, so he cherished every moment and touch.
Each time Willow woke up she was more in control.
It was only a matter of time before she returned to her old self.
"It’s not that bad, Will," he reluctantly opened his eyes and gazed into Willow’s. Their bodies were completely intertwined and their faces were only inches apart. "You didn’t hit me that hard."
It wasn’t her fault.
Daniel should have known better, he should have known better about a LOT of things, but this was the latest.
Willow looked so fragile, but she was still a soldier. Sleeping or awake, she packed one hell of a punch. Um… not that he knew what her punch felt like when she was awake, but if it was anything like the right hook she had given him in the throes of her nightmare, he really didn’t want to find out.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked about the nightmare gently, careful not to push her. He was waiting for reality to hit, pushing her too far would cause her to shut him out.
And Daniel didn’t want that to happen.
He wouldn’t be able to stand it.
Not after the closeness the two of them had shared since they had lain down together.
Willow shook her head slightly.
"Do you want to go back to sleep?"
Another shake of her head.
Daniel didn’t blame her for wanting to stay awake. She was plagued by nightmares. Every time she closed her eyes, her mind would replay or invent some horror for her to endure. In the six hours they had been lying here, Willow would have spent a quarter of that recovering from nightmares.
No matter how much she tried, her mind couldn’t shut off long enough to get any peaceful sleep.
Which was why Angel and Kawalsky agreed to let Willow sleep for as long as she wanted. The two men had only just stopped responding to Willow’s nightmares. The first time they heard her scream, they had all but kicked the door down to get inside.
Now, after making sure the door would never close properly again, they stayed away, promising to only break the door completely if Daniel yelled for them.
It was easier on all of their nerves that way.
"Did you want to stay here for a while longer?" he asked hopefully.
She nodded and relief flooded him.
Daniel wasn’t ready to let her go yet.
He knew he had to, that they had to go downstairs eventually, but he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. The others were waiting for them, had been for hours, yet it wasn’t enough to get Daniel to make that move.
Willow wasn’t the only one terrified.
Daniel was terrified as well.
Terrified to let her walk out of this room, terrified to let her walk through the gate. He knew… he knew this would happen. Maybe that was why it took him so long to realise he was in love with her, he knew once he did, loving her would consume him.
Loving a soldier was terrifying.
So different than loving Sha’re, or even Sara. It was the fear that went along with that loving a soldier that changed everything. Even when Daniel hadn’t acknowledged his love, the thought of Willow being killed in action was… god, even now he couldn’t stand to think about it.
Not that Daniel’s own career was without danger, but he wasn’t scared of himself dying.
It was surviving that he feared more than anything.
Losing Sha’re had been the single most painful experience in his life. The first months after her death, Daniel had sworn off love, he never wanted to know the pain of losing someone again, and in a way he had done just that. There had been women he had liked, or had been attracted too, but none of them had he been willing to risk that sort of pain for.
Until Willow.
Now he was willing to risk that pain to be with her.
Who was he kidding? Even if he hadn’t been willing to risk it, he wouldn’t have had a choice.
The thought of not being with Willow was almost as painful as losing her. He was terrified he’d screw up more than he already had and lose her.
If he was honest with himself, Daniel was surprised she was even talking to him.
She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him.
He was still kicking himself for encouraging her to reestablish her ties to her past, and encouraging her to stay in the phone call the night before last. He shouldn’t have interfered, he should have stayed the hell out of things he didn’t understand.
Pure motives, or not, he really had NO idea what had happened at Graduation, or between Willow and her friends afterward. Why hadn’t he thought that there was a reason Willow stayed away from her friends? Granted, he hadn’t known her at all when he first gave her the tickets, but that was no excuse.
He had no excuse for any of this.
Daniel hated himself.
The hatred began when Willow fell asleep, then festered and grew every time Willow woke screaming or sobbing. He had already called himself every name he could, in every language, then he started on calling himself some of the names Jack had used on some occasions.
He had earned every profanity he could think of.
Willow had almost died because of him.
Daniel couldn’t forget the sight of Willow when she arrived back last night, or how she had broken down in his arms.
HE had done that.
God, how could she stand to be with him? He honestly didn’t understand how Willow was able to find comfort in his arms, knowing he was the man who'd reopened this world to her.
How… how could she love him?
Shit! Fear shot through him at that thought. Willow loved him, hearing the words had made him so happy, the tears he had shed in the shower had been joy. Joy that Willow loved him back, but had he lost that?
When Willow regained her control, would she hate him for the part he had played in all of this?
Daniel didn’t regret being here, or for SR-1 being here, but he did regret other things he had done.
He should have been up front with her in their last phone call. He should have said he knew the truth, that demons were real and that HE was the reason she had to face her fears.
Fuck! FUCK!
Daniel hated himself so much it was hard to breathe.
Why couldn’t he just leave things well enough alone? This wasn’t the first time he had done something like this. Hell, it wasn’t even the second time. How many times had he done something that had had severe consequences?
Always out of curiosity or good intentions.
Sometimes the consequences were good… others were bad.
This one was horrendous.
Willow had built a life away from her Sunnydale life, she had excelled in her new life, and he had opened the doors of the old one… now Willow believed she would never be free, and that they would die.
If anyone was responsible for this mess, it was him, not Willow.
God, she was so confused. Last night, how many times had she begged him to leave, only to beg him to stay moments later? How many times in her nightmares had she called out to him and her team to save her? Or cried out when they died?
It didn’t matter that it was over now, at least he thought it was over, the damage had been done. He hadn’t meant to hurt her, to force her to live this hell again, and he wondered if she would leave him because of it.
Maybe not right away, but when things calmed down, and she saw things clearly, would she see his role in all of this and hate him for it?
Daniel wouldn’t be able to stand that if -
"Daniel?"
The fear in Willow’s voice forced him to focus on the woman in his arms.
The fear wasn’t just in her voice, it was written all over her face.
Fear HE was responsible for.
"Are… are you all right?"
He tried to smile, but doubted he hid his self hatred. "I’m fine," he reached up and caressed the side of her face. "I was just thinking."
"You look angry."
Daniel’s self hatred jumped up ANOTHER notch. He should have been more careful, schooled his features more. Willow had enough on her mind, she didn’t need to know he was upset. Daniel knew she would blame herself for it the second she did.
"I’m sorry."
Shit! "Willow, I’m not angry at you."
She didn’t believe him. "It’s all right. I deserve it."
He closed his eyes, willing his anger to fade. "You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of this."
Willow didn’t say anything.
Daniel opened his eyes. "Will, I promise you, I’m not angry at you. I said to you last night that I understood why you hid everything from us, and I meant it. No one in their right mind would have said anything. When Hayes told Kawalsky about vampires, we all thought he was insane. We didn’t believe him, at least not at first. If you hadn’t been in trouble, Hayes would be having a psychological evaluation right now. If you had said anything to anyone, you would have been taken off active duty. I’m not even sure I would have believed you."
He would like to have thought he would, but some things were just too fantastic to believe. He would have given her the benefit of the doubt, but it would have taken some convincing to believe it was true.
"I still think Grogan and Kawalsky won’t fully accept it until they see a vampire for themselves."
A strange look passed over Willow’s face.
"But it doesn’t change the fact that you’re not in trouble, and we’re not angry at you. I doubt I would have said anything if I had been in your position. No one blames you for not telling us."
"I never planned on telling you at all," her voice was small when said the words.
Daniel couldn’t deny the slight hurt he felt at the confession.
"If this had never happened, I never would have told you. Even if we became intimate," she admitted. "Even now, a part of me wants to tell you that this is all some kind of misunderstanding, convince you that this isn’t real. I didn’t ever want to drag you into this."
"You’re not dragging me into anything! I’m here because I want to be. My being here, and SR-1 being here, is NOT your fault."
"You’re here because of me," she pointed out.
"And you’re here because of me."
Willow pulled back from him, frowning. "What?"
Um…oh… ah… Shit. "I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that."
She studied him. "What did you mean?"
He cursed himself. AGAIN. "Nothing, I was just - "
"You think I’m here because of you?" she didn’t bother to hide her confusion. "Why? Because I want to protect you?"
Wait! Protect him? From what? Daniel had assumed the reason Willow was here was because Giles had been injured and Faith was missing - it made sense after everything they had learned early this morning.
Which meant that even if he hadn’t encouraged her to stay, she would have.
Willow never turned her back on a missing person.
But still… she never would have been dragged into this at all if it hadn’t been for him.
"I’m not here because of you, I’m here because of me."
No, she wasn’t.
"I think I’m being punished."
He jerked back. "What?"
She blinked, then shook her head. "Never mind, I’m… I’m just being silly."
There was a look on her face that made Daniel believe she had been serious when she said that, about as serious as Daniel had been when he said she was here because of him. "No, Willow, you’re not. What did you mean?"
"Nothing, really," she pulled away from him and Daniel could practically see the walls slamming down around her.
It hurt more than Daniel had thought possible.
She was shutting him out.
He wanted to scream in frustration, but instead he reached out and grabbed her, stopping her from getting too far, and said a single word. "Don’t."
It conveyed everything he was feeling.
Daniel knew if he let her go now, he’d never be let back in. Not like he had been last night. Willow would try to protect him, she would… she would try to protect herself.
Like him, Willow feared survival more than death.
He had always known that about her, and he knew that was why she wanted all of them to leave. She might want them to stay, but in the harsh light of day, when Willow had to think clearly about what she could lose, wanting them to leave would win out. She had lost so many people already, she knew how painful surviving was.
Shutting him out, forcing him to leave, would give her a modicum of protection, make it easier for her to deal with whatever was going on here.
But if he let her do that, if SR-1 let her do that, they’d lose her forever.
Daniel knew this woman, right down to her soul, and she would shut them all out, never see them again, if it meant keeping them alive.
Willow would give her life for them without hesitation.
She would fight for them…
So Daniel would fight for her.
He wasn’t going to let her shut him, or her team, out. This was his fault, his responsibility. Willow was going through hell because of him.
Daniel was going to make this right.
"Will, don’t shut me out," he pulled her closer to him. "I can’t - won’t - let you do that. Whatever is going on here, whether it is over or not, we’re in it together. It doesn’t matter how dangerous it is, how many lies you’ve told me, NOTHING is going to change the way I feel, or whether I stay or not."
She stiffened at his words. "Daniel, I… I didn’t just lie about demons. I lied about me," she tried to move way from him but he held her firmly. "You don’t know everything that’s going on, what you’re agreeing to," panic filled her voice. "You don’t know - "
"Then tell me," Daniel cut her off. "You’re right, I don’t know everything. I only know what Chris and Angel have told me, I don’t know the rest but I will if you trust me enough to tell me."
"It’s not a matter of trust."
"It’s not?" Daniel repeated. "What are you afraid of Willow? Are you scared I’ll leave if I know the truth or scared that I’ll stay?"
She squeezed her eyes shut. "Both," she confessed. "I’m scared you’ll go, scared you’ll stay. Scared that you’ll love me, scared that you’ll hate me. God, Daniel, I’m so scared, so confused. There is so much you don’t know, things that will change and destroy everything. I… I don’t know… I don’t know if I can tell you. I can’t risk losing you."
"You’re not going to lose me," he told her. "Nothing you say could ever destroy what we have. I know we haven’t spoken about it, and now probably isn’t the right time, but I think you need to understand something."
She opened her eyes and regarded him warily.
"Willow," he reached out and cupped her face. "I know you wanted to take things slowly, and we are. What happened this morning cemented our feelings for each other, but we don’t have to rush into anything. We can keep going at the same pace, but I need you to understand that you’re not going to lose me easily. We’ve never said what we are to each other, but that doesn’t mean what we have is fragile. I won’t give up on you over something like this. No matter who or what you are, no matter what is going on here, I’ll help you through it. You’re not alone anymore. I’m committed to you, Willow."
As committed to Willow as he had been to Sha’re.
"I love you."
Willow stared at him. It frightened him slightly that he couldn’t read what she was thinking. The emotions were too conflicting, fear, joy, pain, relief… he couldn’t tell what she was thinking.
Oh god, what if he pushed her too far? What if he had screwed up again? Shit. What if he -
"I love you, too."
His eyes burned and he was shaking. He hadn’t expected the emotion to be as powerful, hearing the words a second time, but they were. Part of him had feared that maybe her saying the words the first time had been an accident, that she didn’t really love him.
Daniel closed his eyes, and let the tears fall. He was so relieved, she wasn’t going to shut him out. Not now, not having said that out loud again.
Willow was as committed to him as he was to her.
Thank -
Daniel stiffened, more out of surprise than anything, when he felt something soft press against his lips, and a hand curl around the back of his neck.
Sweet Jesus.
The kiss was gentle, closed mouthed, only lasting a few seconds, but by the time she pulled away, Daniel’s heart was racing twice as fast as before.
Willow had kissed him.
He… why did he find that so shocking?
WILLOW had kissed him.
Slowly he opened his eyes, licked his lips, then leaned in for another kiss. He hadn’t meant to, Daniel honestly had meant to pull away, keep this at Willow’s pace, but the look on her face had undone him. The tenderness and the emotion… Daniel hadn’t been able to keep himself from leaning in and kissing her gently.
It was almost identical to the first kiss, but this time it lingered longer, and her mouth opened slightly. He didn’t deepen the kiss, instead he kept it as gentle and as easy as Willow’s kiss had been but, god, it was intoxicating.
When he pulled away, Willow wasn’t looking at him, instead she was blushing slightly, and playing with the neckline of his shirt. "Where did you want me to start?"
Huh? "Start?"
"You wanted me to tell you the truth," she reminded him, still avoiding his gaze, but making no move to get away from him.
That was a good thing, right? "Where ever you want, the beginning I guess."
"Before humans roamed the Earth?"
He chuckled. "Not quite that far back."
"I was kind of serious, demons were on the Earth before humans, I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to explain the mythology of demons or my life."
He had meant about her life but he was too much of an archaeologist not to be distracted by that announcement. "Demons were on the Earth before humans?" Before aliens? Before the Goa’uld deposited the Stargate in Antarctica or Egypt?
"For Eons."
"Eons?"
Willow smiled at the expression on his face. "You look like me when I see a jet," she teased him gently. "So I guess you want me to start at the beginning?"
Most definitely…no! "No, tell me whatever you’re comfortable with."
Her smile widened and he returned her smile.
Once again he was swamped with joy. Both at seeing her smile and because she knew him so well. The walls that had slammed down before were gone, she almost seemed relaxed.
Almost.
"Honestly, start where ever you want," he said. "I already know some of the mythology of vampires, Hayes had a book on vampires at his place. I was able to read up on some of the facts."
"Captain Hayes had a vampire book?"
Daniel nodded. "It’s in my bag, Kawalsky insisted we take it along for reference, in case we came into contact with any vampires."
"How did Captain Hayes find out about vampires?" she wanted to know.
"Chris and two of his friends were attacked by a vampire."
"A…vampire?"
He nodded. "His two friends died saving him."
"The vampire killed them?"
"Yes, I think Chris still feels guilty about it," Daniel confessed, hoping that she would open up to Chris too, knowing he had been through something similar to her. "He made sure all of us knew how to kill a vampire on the flight over, he even forced us to stop on the way to the hotel, to get some crosses from one of the churches."
Only small crosses, Daniel’s was in his wet jeans.
It was actually a nice cross and Daniel was still surprised the Priest had been so willing to hand them over, he guessed the Priest knew about vampires….why was Willow so pale?
"A vampire killed Captain Hayes’ friends?"
"Yes."
"Does Angel know that?"
Daniel shook his head. "We never told him how we knew, he initially assumed you told…Willow? What’s wrong?"
She was scrambling, trying to get out of his arms.
Shit! He had pushed her too far. Damn it, he must have reminded her of the risks by telling her that story. No! Daniel was not going to let her go. "Willow, it’s all right…"
"No it’s not," she winced at the pain trying to get free caused her.
"Willow, it’s all right, no one is going to die," he assured her desperately. "We’re not going to leave."
She froze, confused. "That’s… no, Daniel, I don’t want you to leave. I need to get downstairs."
What? Why? "Downstairs?"
"Daniel, I can’t get free with you holding me… not with my back like this," she renewed her struggle. "Please, you have to let me go. WE need to get downstairs."
Daniel began helping her out of bed. "Why?"
Willow winced in pain as she tried to stand. "Because the people who work for Angel are a little bit casual when it comes to vampires and demons, Cordy and Faith especially…"
What did that have to do with anything?
"… and if they get relaxed enough, someone might let something slip or SR-1might overhear someone talking."
"I don’t understand."
Willow looked at him. "Do you trust me?"
What? She even had to ask that? "With my life."
"Good, then I need you to listen to me."
Daniel watched as Willow transformed right before his eyes.
The Lieutenant was back.
If Daniel wasn’t so concerned, he would have been scared by Willow reverting back to military training. Something Jack had said to him, after the mission to save Sam, came to mind. Jack had said that Willow seemed more comfortable in a crisis than in any other situation. Back on 697, she had been awkward when they were sitting around eating dinner or even asking her questions. It was when they were in danger she thrived.
Which didn’t bode well for them now.
"I’m listening," he told her.
"Angel is one of my closest friends, my brother. I trust him with my life, the life of my family, team, and you. I trust him."
Ok, he got that. She trusted him implicitly.
"You can trust him with my life, and the lives of your team. He is as honorable as Teal’c."
Teal’c? There was something in the way she said Teal’c… "Willow, what’s going on?"
"When we get downstairs, I need you to keep Hayes, Grogan, and Kawalsky away from Angel. No exceptions, get them out of the hotel, up here, I don’t care, get them away from Angel until I’ve had time to talk to him. If Hayes is attacking Angel, try to separate them. I won’t be able to do much, not with my back."
"Willow, why would Chris attack Angel?"
"Because he’s a vampire."