Daniel bolted up the stairs, two at a time, desperate to catch up to Willow.
He had seen that look in her eye, right before she left the room.
It was a look he recognised from the first night they'd met, back at the bar, when she'd discovered the truth about the SGC. Her eyes were full of fear, pain, hopelessness, and desperation.
Except this time, it was worse.
A LOT worse.
It was why he didn’t stop her from going, from leaving the room. He didn’t, because he knew that she wouldn’t have been able to hold on for too much longer, and the desperation in her actions a few minutes ago told him she didn’t want anyone to see it.
The memories of that night caused him to involuntarily shudder as he ran down the hall. He still remembered how bad she had been, how badly she had taken it. God damn it! He should have known this would happen.
As soon as Hayes told them the truth, he should have guessed Willow would take their presence badly… on top of everything else that had happened.
He KNEW how scared she had been, both then and now. The call last night… Daniel could kick himself for his stupidity. He'd made a judgement on a situation he had no knowledge of, he'd ENCOURAGED Willow to stay, told her she was a protector.
Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Daniel cursed himself silently when he saw Willow disappear into a room, and increased his speed. He had to get there before she was alone for too long. Willow couldn’t be alone. Not now.
Daniel honestly didn’t know what Willow would do if she was.
He had never seen her this bad. Oh, he had seen Willow when she was upset, agitated, but he had never seen her shut herself away from so many people. He had never heard her talk to her CO like that. For him, that had been the clincher.
He was so STUPID!
Daniel didn’t bother knocking on the door. He burst into the room, threw the first aid kit and his bag on the bed, and headed for the bathroom.
He almost wept with relief when he saw Willow standing in the middle of the small room, but his relief was short lived when Willow turned to face him.
Her eyes were full of tears, fear, and confusion. Her face was paler than he had ever seen it, she was shaking violently and -
"Willow!"
No!
His heart was almost pounding out of his chest as he caught her just before she hit the floor.
Silent sobs wracked her body as he lowered her gently. She made no sound, she didn’t even cry out with pain when he accidentally touched her wound. All she did was tremble in his arms, clinging onto him so tightly it was painful.
He felt his heart shatter into a million pieces.
THIS was what he had seen in her eyes.
"Shh…" he rocked her gently. "It’s ok, I’ve got you."
It was all he could think to say. He wanted to say something to reassure her, to take the pain away, but nothing came.
He was still trying to process everything himself, still trying to quell the fear inside of him.
Seeing Willow like this, injured, it terrified him beyond words.
"I’m here, Will," he spoke soothingly to her, hoping to calm her down.
Her body shook harder at his words, the sobs became louder.
"Oh god," the words tore from her throat.
Daniel squeezed his eyes shut in a bid to stave off his tears. "Shh, it’s all right. Faith is safe, you got her back. It’s all right." He assumed that was why she was here, why she had been called back.
Along with Giles being injured.
He should have come here yesterday, he shouldn’t have waited. A thousand reprimands went through his mind as he continued to rock her while she sobbed. Everything made such frightening sense now. Her reaction to the SGC, her refusal to talk about her past, the nightmares, everything…
In retrospect, it was all so clear.
"I’m sorry, Willow," he whispered into her hair. "I’m so sorry." He had no idea what he was sorry for. Everything? Anything?
God, this was… Daniel didn’t have words to express how bad this was. Like before, Willow didn’t respond to his words, except to put her arms around his waist and move closer to him. She was half sitting on his lap, half on the floor. His arms were strategically placed around her to minimize pain, but they were incredibly close.
That in itself frightened Daniel.
For Willow, comfort was something she rarely accepted. While she did allow him to touch her, it was never anything like this. A hug, never more than a few seconds, was the most she would allow unless she was asleep. A few times they had shared a bed, 697 included, but he was always gone before she woke. When awake, comfort was seldom; she would let him hold her hand, put his arm around her… always gentle, casual touches. And almost always when she was exhausted or after a bad mission. If it were nightmares, she would let him hold her hand until she fell asleep. If she was in the infirmary, they would only let their fingers touch.
But this…Willow was holding him so tightly he was having trouble breathing.
It was like she was trying to crawl into his skin.
He didn’t know how long he continued to rock her, nor did he know how long she cried. It was only when he felt her arms loosen did he relax slightly. He moved away from her, just far enough to see her face.
The world seemed to stop the second he did.
The look on her… oh god. Daniel’s eyes filled with tears as he stared at her. This wasn’t a Willow he had seen before. He had seen different sides to Willow. Military Willow, in various degrees. The side of Willow that she showed only to him; vulnerable, anguished, caring, protective but always still guarded. The side of Willow when she was with Grogan or flying; playful, mischievous, adrenaline junkie.
But he had never seen Willow so… naked.
It was like Willow had no strength to keep up any of her walls. Willow wore her walls like shields and she wore them with everyone, including him. Someone with as many secrets as Willow had to keep walls around them to protect themselves from exposure.
But this Willow had nothing.
He was staring into the eyes of the real Willow Rosenberg.
Not the lieutenant, but the real Willow with no walls… just her.
"I can’t…" Tears spilled down her cheeks. "I can’t do this… I can’t… oh god, I can’t…"
He wasn’t going to cry, he couldn’t let Willow see him cry. He had to be strong for her, but… god. Seeing her like this… "It’s ok," his voice choked with emotion. "You don’t have to do anything, I’ll take care of you."
She shook her head. "You can’t, no one can…"
He brushed a strand of hair from her face. "I can."
Once more the world stopped as Willow seemed to search his eyes, as though looking to see if he meant what he was saying. She looked so incredibly young, almost childlike. "You don’t know what you’re saying… you don’t know…" her expression became panicked and she tried to move away from him.
Daniel didn’t let go.
He was never letting her go.
"You need me, that’s all I need to know," he told her firmly. "I’m not going anywhere."
And he wasn’t. If she told him to leave, he’d refuse - even if it meant camping outside her bedroom door. She was NOT going through this alone. Not now that he knew the truth.
More tears fell. "NO!" she shouted the word, causing him to jump. "You can’t stay… if you stay you die. There’s no escaping. Everything I did… oh god, everything I did… it doesn’t make a difference. I can’t get away… I can’t ever get away… We’re all going to die."
The fatality in her voice made his blood run cold.
The sobs started anew and she clung to him once more with desperation.
Helplessly, Daniel tightened his own hold around her. They remained like that for ten, maybe twenty, minutes, before she moved away slightly, her attention focusing on her clothes.
What colour had returned to her face, fled.
Panicked, was the only word he could use to describe the expression on her face. It was like she had forgotten that she was still covered in blood, both human and demon. In a frantic attempt, Willow tried to undo her buttons. She hissed in pain as her bloodied fingers touched the fabric.
"Willow, don’t, you’ll hurt yourself."
Her breathing became laboured. "Shower… I need," she shook her head as though trying to clear her mind. "The scent of the demon is still on me, its blood… I can smell it." She tried again, only this time she cried out in frustration, pain, and panic.
"Willow, it’s ok. We’ll get you clean," he promised her.
Daniel understood what she was saying, he always found the need to shower after a confrontation with the Jaffa or the Goa’uld, especially if he had killed.
Willow probably felt a million times worse.
Her helpless eyes went to him, pleading for him to help her.
"I’ll help," he answered her silent question.
She slumped against him in defeat, the tears welling in her eyes again. In the space of a few seconds, she had gone from heartbroken, to terrified, and back to broken. Exhaustion marred her features. Her hands fell to her side and she leaned her head against his shoulder.
Her body continued to tremble.
Tears fell once again, but she was silent.
A lump formed in his throat.
He had seen something else behind the pleading, the fear and the tirade of emotions.
Daniel had seen her trust in him.
Pure, unadulterated, trust.
The same kind of trust Sha’re had always regarded him with. He had never expected to see that kind of trust in Willow’s eyes, nor had he ever imagine he would see Willow without her walls. The enormity of what this meant hit Daniel and he was terrified.
Terrified he’d screw it up.
If he did the wrong thing, he could destroy her. Willow had no protection around her, she was more vulnerable than he imagined she had or would be again. This was Willow at her worst, rock bottom, and she was relying on him.
Terrified was beginning to be an understatement.
Daniel stroked her hair. "I’ll help you," he told her again. "Is that all right or did you want me to get Cordelia or Faith? You can’t shower on your own, Willow. I can’t let you." Not after the last time, he added silently.
She didn’t say anything, she didn’t move.
"Willow, did you want me to get Cordy and Faith?"
Was she even listening to him? Could she hear him? Carefully, Daniel moved away from Willow, and studied her face. Her eyes were closed, she looked… broken.
No, he couldn’t shower with her, not like this. There was a chance she could come to her senses half way through, she’d freak and probably never trust him again. But… he didn’t want to leave her. He knew all he had to do was get to the bedroom door and shout out to Angel or Faith, and someone would come running, but his body was refusing to move.
He had to move, and do what was right for Willow.
"Will, I’m going to let you go for a minute. I’ll go get Cordelia and Faith, they’ll help you in the shower. I’ll be right back, all right?"
Damn, nothing.
He waited a for a full minute before he started to move Willow off him.
Her arms went around him, in response, the hold tighter than any previously. The strength she was using startled him.
"Will, I’ll only be a minute," he said again, but it was more of a test than anything. If Willow tightened refused to let him go, then… Daniel winced in pain as his ribs creaked in response to her hold. Well, he had his answer. "All right, no Cordelia or Faith. I’ll stay but you need to let me go."
To his surprise, she loosened her hold, trying to push herself off him. "Go… I… you can’t stay." She focused on him for a moment, then her eyes seemed to glaze over, lost in some distant memory or thought. "You’ll die… and if you die I won’t be able to… there will be nothing left for me."
Shit.
Daniel was moving from seriously worried to downright panicked. "Willow, nothing is going to happen to any of us. It’s all over."
"It’s never over," her breathing became faster. "This world… it’ll take everything. No matter how far you run, how much you pretend, it’s never enough. It will find you and destroy everything you love. There is always some demon… someone trying to destroy the world. No matter what… it’ll never end."
Oh god. "Willow…"
What words could he say to disprove that?
It HAD destroyed everything she loved, her parents, her friends, her boyfriend, all of them had perished at Graduation, which now, Daniel assumed, had something to do with the supernatural world.
No wonder Willow had reacted like she had when she found out about the SGC. She would have been eighteen when she lost her parents, when Graduation occurred. Just a child, probably full of hope, full of life and then…
Eighteen years old! Jesus!
Tears filled his eyes. "Willow!" he said her name firmly, trying to get her attention.
It didn’t work.
"God, why did they rescue me?" she started breathing heavily. "They should have let me die… they should have let me die…"
What? "Willow?"
She was staring right at him, but she wasn’t seeing him.
"Willow? What do you mean? Who should have let you die?"
"It would have been over," she spoke softly, her voice full of defeat. "If they had let the Mayor kill me, it would be over… none of this would have happened. You would be safe… you wouldn’t hate me…"
She wasn’t making any sense. "Willow, I don’t hate you. I could NEVER hate you." He was beginning to wonder if she could even hear him.
"Buffy and Xander would be alive, Oz…" a sob escaped her. "THEY should be here. Not me. I hate it here… I can’t… I can’t lose anyone anymore. I can’t give up people I love. I just want it over… I just want it to stop. I can’t… I can’t take this."
He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.
"I miss them so much. Everyday I miss them."
There wasn’t a single thing Daniel could do to stop his tears from flowing. "I know." He did know. He knew what loss was like, how painful surviving could be. "But you have us, Willow. We’re here for you. We’re your family; me, your team, everyone at the base…even Jack. There isn’t a thing any of us wouldn’t do for you. I know it’s not the same, but we’re your family too. You’re not alone. You don’t have to go through any of this alone. Not anymore."
She looked up at him, her face bewildered, as though she'd just realised he was in the room with her. "No… you can’t… you’ll die. You’ll die, the demons…" she shuddered. "You’ll never get free."
"Then we’ll be stuck together. Will, I’m not leaving you. If you’re not free then neither am I. I’m with you, Willow, all the way," the words spilled from his mouth, almost on their own accord. "Whatever happens, I’ll be right here."
Her eyes were as round as saucers. "No… you can’t. If I lost you, I’d… that would be it for me. I wouldn’t... I can’t lose you."
The words made his heart stop. "I can’t lose you, either."
He really couldn’t.
NO! He didn’t understand.
Willow wanted to scream with frustration but she was so tired, god, she was so tired. All she wanted to do was curl up and die. She didn’t want to fight anymore, she didn’t want this life.
She wanted it over.
What she wouldn’t give for peace? Real peace. The type of peace that enabled her to not get up in the morning and not hurt, the peace that allowed her to sleep without nightmares of blood and death, the peace where she didn’t have to constantly worry for the lives of everyone she loved.
God, she was so tired.
All of the work she had done to build her life, to get away from this pain, had been for nothing. It hadn’t worked. There was no escaping this life. Never. No matter what she did, it was going to come back and haunt her. Torture her.
Destroy her.
Destroy Daniel.
No! She couldn’t let that happen! She had… she had to get away from him. Send all of them away to somewhere where they could be safe. Willow cried out when pain shot through her back at her sudden movement.
Vaguely, she could hear Daniel talking to her, but the words stopped making sense.
All she could hear was his voice, his words had no meaning.
She could see the panic in his eyes, the concern on his face but she couldn’t reassure him, the words couldn’t come. She could barely tell him to leave.
God, why was he still here! He had to leave, he had to -
Oh god! Where was he going? She screamed his name when he ran from the room. He had just lifted her off him and ran from the room. NO! She hadn’t meant it! She hadn’t! She really didn’t want him to leave. Oh god! He had to come back!
Daniel!
Oh god, Daniel! Don’t leave!
"I’m here, Willow, I’m not leaving," his voice penetrated the fog that surrounded her. "I just went to get the first aid kit, like I told you"
First aid kit? He hadn’t left? He was staying?
He knelt down next to her. "No, I didn’t leave and I’m not going to. We’re stuck together, remember?"
Stuck together. He didn’t hate her?
Daniel smiled sadly at her. "Willow, I could never hate you. None of us do. We understand why you didn’t tell us, I’m not mad. You have my word."
He was staying… he was staying… oh god, no. It wasn’t safe. He would die if he stayed.
"No one is going to die."
She wanted to believe him, she really really did, but the pain in her back made it impossible for her to. He didn’t understand, he didn’t know what she knew, he hadn’t seen… those demons. There was no escaping them, there was no escaping anything.
It was never going to end.
God, she hurt so much, she was so tired.
"You can get some sleep after your shower," he told her. "Angel and Kawalsky can wait for their debriefing."
Shower. Yes, she needed her shower. She still smelled like the demon, she could still feel its claws on her back, the feeling of it cutting through her skin. Her hands flew to her shirt but were brushed away by Daniel.
"I’ll do it, is that ok?"
It was ok… she trusted Daniel. He was… he was one of the few people that made her feel safe. Like nothing in the world would get her. With Daniel, she sometimes didn’t hurt.
"No one is going to hurt you Willow, not while I can stop it."
His hands went to her buttons.
Willow closed her eyes as Daniel slowly undid her shirt. It hurt. Moving her shirt, even a little, hurt. Her back was so sore now. It burned. She tried to focus out the pain but she was so tired, any attempts to concentrate failed. Even listening to Daniel took effort. He was talking almost constantly now, moving to her back to see the scratch, but his words were just garbled sounds.
She was too tired to try to -
"Willow!" his voice seemed to boom in her ear.
What? What was it?
"Will, I need you to focus. I need you to listen to me. Can you do that?"
He sounded like Doc Fraiser.
"I’ll take that as a compliment, I think," he smiled. "I need to clean the scratch on your back. It has some dirt in it and I have to get it out before the shower. Do you understand what I’m saying?"
Pain. She knew pain.
His eyes closed. "Yeah, it’s going to hurt. Willow, if you would prefer me to get Dr Whitwood - "
NO!!!
"Ok, ok, please, Willow, you have to calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself if you’re not careful. I won’t ask Dr Whitwood to look at the wound, I’ll clean it. Then after I’m done, we’re going to get into the shower together. Willow? Do you understand me?"
Pain. Shower.
"I’ll be gentle and as quick as I can."
Willow screamed when she felt the stinging sensation on her back. It hurt… oh god it hurt! Soon it was all she could feel. She couldn’t hear Daniel anymore, just the sound of her sobbing. She wanted him to stop, the pain was excruciating. Time slowed down completely for her as the pain consumed her. Every second felt like an hour.
She couldn’t… she couldn’t stand it.
The air in the room seemed to evaporate as her pain increased. God it hurt so much. Why was it taking so long? It felt like it had been going on forever. Stop it! She just wanted to stop!
Please, just -
"Willow!" the shout startled her. "It’s over. I got all the dirt out, your wound is clean."
It was over? No. She was still in pain, god…
"It’s over, Will, but it’s going to hurt for a while. We should get you into the shower quickly. I want to put a dressing on it as soon as you’re clean."
Clean! The thought of being clean overrode her pain. Stand, she had to stand.
"Careful," Daniel ducked his head under her arm and helped her from the floor. "Do you think you can stand on your own? I need to take off your jeans."
She could… yeah, she was sure she could stand.
"Hold onto the towel rack and call out if you think you’re going to faint."
Faint? No, she wasn’t going to faint… or was she? Standing took more effort than she'd realised, so did lifting one leg and then the other. Her body hurt all over and she just wanted to close her eyes and drift into oblivion.
"Sleep soon, I promise," Daniel began leading her over to the shower.
Walking took as much effort as standing, if not more.
The next thing she knew, she was under the spray of warm water and Daniel stepped in beside her.
His clothes were getting wet!
"I thought you would be more comfortable with me like this," he explained before reaching for the soap.
Pain consumed her body again but she bit back her scream as Daniel began to wash the blood away. She wasn’t going to scream; if she did, she wouldn’t be able to get clean. Daniel was working as fast as he could, trying to get her clean. She didn’t want to slow him down because she was in pain. She just wanted this over. She wanted to get the scent off her, to wash away the memory.
The blood and death.
She screwed her eyes shut at the memories that began assaulting her.
So much blood, so much death. Panic overwhelmed her once again. There was nothing but death for them now, god, all of them were doomed. Angel, Giles, Faith, Cordy, SR-1, and Daniel.
All of them were doomed to die.
He put the soap back in its holder then reached for the shampoo, all the while keeping her upright. "We’re not going to die and we’re not doomed."
But they were! Didn’t he see?
They were here, in LA! Demon central! This place where all the demons went after Sunnydale was destroyed by the ascension at Graduation.
"Ascension?"
Yes! This entire town was doomed, the world was. There was no escape and he had to get out of here. She was wrong in wanting him to stay.
Once he got involved in this life, there was no escape.
"I’m not leaving you."
YES! He had to!
She couldn’t… she couldn’t let him die.
Willow would rather die herself.
She had tried not to care, she had tried to stop her feelings but she couldn’t.
It was why she was so scared, so desperate for Daniel to go and stay.
She… she loved him.
She loved him too much to survive his death.
Daniel froze beside her, the shampoo bottle slipping from his hands and crashing to the floor.
Daniel?
What was wrong? He was crying! Why? Was he hurt? Oh god! Had he been hurt by some demon before he reached the hotel? Shit! Why didn’t she think of that earlier? They all could be hurt but she didn’t know because she had never asked.
Was he hurt? Daniel!
"What? No. I’m… I’m not hurt. God, Willow, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m fine, we haven’t seen any demons yet. We got a cab from the airport."
He wasn’t hurt?
He shook his head. "No, you just… I…" he reached up with his free hand and brushed away some hair from her face.
What?
"I love you too."
He… he loved her? No! He couldn’t! Loving her was bad, wrong. He couldn’t love her.
Could he?
He nodded.
Oh… oh god.
Tears fell freely and she slumped against him. He loved her. He loved her. Oh god…
Any desire to fight him, to make him leave, fled. She knew she should fight, tell him to leave, that loving her was a death sentence but exhaustion made it impossible, so did the look on his face.
He loved her.
She was too tired to stop him, to convince him he shouldn’t love her.
She wasn’t sure she wanted to stop him.
God, she was so confused.
"Come on, let me get this soap off you. You should sleep."
Yes, she was tired. So tired.
Daniel’s voice went back to a garble as he finished showering her. The world started to blur slightly when he helped her out of the shower, when he helped her brush her hair, her teeth, and dressed the wound on her back. It was only when she was lying on the bed, dressed in some sweats, that he came into focus again.
He was sitting on the floor next to her, not on the bed.
She… she wanted him close to her.
She felt safe with him.
"I need to get changed," he motioned to his wet clothes and the bag that was now in his hand. "I need to have a quick shower and then I’ll, um, stay with you. I’ll leave the bathroom door open, I’ll only be a few minutes. I promise."
He had blood on him, her blood… demon blood. Yes, he had to shower.
He squeezed her hand and raced for the bathroom. Willow closed her eyes and listened to the sound of him showering, willing herself not to panic because he was now out of her sight. She wanted to sleep, more than anything, but she wasn’t going to.
Not until he was here.
A few moments, maybe minutes, she felt herself being moved to the center of the bed, and arms wrapping around her.
Daniel?
"I’m here, you can sleep. I’ve got you."
He wasn’t leaving?
"Never."